Client Stories & Testimonials: Molly H.

Before

Before reaching out to Curt, Molly was at a point where she started each day feeling clenched, dreading going in to work. She felt frustrated, anxious, and depleted. And after being passed over for a promotion, she felt boxed in and stuck. She wanted to find the way forward, a new way of doing things that focused on what she liked to do and what she did well. 

Benefits in a nutshell 

More joy

• A greater awareness of the sources of joy in her life
• Feeling more open and available to joy

More peace

• Greater equanimity
• Less reactivity
• Feeling lighter
• Having a “bigger world of OK-ness”

Openness

• Feeling more open to what is, with less resistance
• A greater ability to be in the moment

Confidence

• Feeling more comfortable with herself
• A greater sense of enoughness
• A greater comfort with uncertainty
• A greater confidence that she can handle whatever happens

Possibility

• Seeing a greater world of possibilities

Positive work experience

• Increased awareness of and focus on what she loves about her work

Positive life focus

• Gratitude: More aware of all the blessings in her life, big and small

After

When Molly looks back at the difference her work with Curt made, one of the major themes was joy. “I have more room for joy,” she says. Part of that came from a shift in focus from what’s wrong to the sources of joy in her life. “Once I stopped looking at life as a battlefield of threats and problems, I could take that attention to appreciate the blessings, which really lifts me up. I got to a point where I am less focused on the unknown outcome and more determined to be awake to what is happening now.

As she let go of that tendency to stay hyper-vigilant to threats and problems, she felt a growing sense of comfort and confidence. It was “just being comfortable with the world of possibilities. And not knowing yet what the outcome is, but feeling more comfortable that I could handle it.”

Ultimately, it expanded the sense of spaciousness in her life. As she describes it, “I have a bigger world of OK. I am less certain that the worst will happen and more open to not knowing how this story will end”

Process

One of the things Molly appreciated most about the process of working with Curt was its tangible real-world application. “I was able to identify some really specific skills and techniques and behaviors and mindsets that I could use to get myself reoriented and in a much more comfortable spot. Curt was very specific about techniques so it didn’t feel so touchy feely. We were able to outline tangible list of practices to adjust my outlook in the short and longer term.

Learning the tools and techniques was just the starting point. “We were always reviewing and building on the tools in the toolkit.” Working with the events and circumstances in her life became an ongoing learning laboratory that helped her both improve her experience and gain proficiency with them.

In their work together, Molly found three of the Aliveness Keys from Curt’s Aliveness CODE framework to be particularly impactful: Story Management, Focus Management, and Grounding & Presence.

Story Management

As she explored what was behind her dissatisfaction at work, Molly realized just how much her habitual negative were weighing her down. Recognizing the power of the stories she told to shape her experience, she started getting more proactive about working with them.

“The stories can be helpful, or they can be burdensome. I started exploring, ‘what is the story I’m telling?’ I ask, ‘do they help? What story am I carrying that I can let go? Why am I so certain that the worst outcome is the only outcome?’”

She noticed three primary areas that had a significant impact on how she felt.

Letting go of the battle

“I realized I had these negative pre-loaded narratives. I was coming to work ready for battle, ready to be tested. I was coming in loaded for bear.” Over the course of her work with Curt, she felt an internal shift around that, which she attributes to the meditation practice she developed, and her work with both story management and focus management.

“I made a conscious choice not to see it as a battle, but people coming together, interacting, and trying to solve problems. Not a battle. Not win/loss.”

Part of what contributed to that was a shift in her own self-perception. As she describes it, “When I can be more comfortable with myself, I can lower my vigilance. When I don’t have to defend to myself that I am good enough, I’m not as reactive.”

How things “should” be

She also realized how her story about how things “should” be was impacting her happiness, from her expectations about how the day should go to how her boss should act and behave.

“I realize I have a huge expectation of the day. Not only do I carry a huge narrative of myself, I have a narrative for how everyone else is supposed to behave as well. I’m working on letting that go. Because everything not on my script is bad. If something happens, I’m already in a defensive recovery position, like I have to defend and recover from this.”

She started applying the same idea to her relationship with her boss, which had been one of the sources of stress. “I started trying to be aware of my stories so I could see how she is more realistically. Letting her be who she is versus how I think she should be.” As a result, she felt much less friction. “I can genuinely see what my boss has to offer – she is not just as an actor in my personal play.”

Status

One of the heaviest stories she had been carrying had to do with status. “Everything was about high status and low status. I applied that to everything. I’m losing status. Someone else is gaining status. And it was exhausting.”

Letting go of a story that had her trying to find her validity in other people’s eyes freed up more space to focus on more uplifting things. “I enjoy my work, I work hard, and I try to bring a good positive attitude every day. That is my responsibility. Evaluating my performance is someone else’s.”

Focus management

Molly also saw how much impact the direction of her attention and awareness was having on how she felt. There were two main themes in her focus management efforts.

Focus shift: From status to joy

Over the course of her work with Curt, she found her primary focus shifting from, “How does this affect my status?” to “Where’s the joy?”

“I have a life full of blessings. And it’s just easy to overlook those. So we were just always reviewing that, and looking at it again and again. I have worked so hard to create a life I love and I so quickly count it as nothing.”

In exploring the negative impact her focus on status had been having, Molly had an epiphany. Looking at what she was assigning importance and value to, she said, “I put joy last. Why do I measure status and not joy?”

Habitual negative focus

She also realized how much she defaulted to a negative focus through habitual complaining. “I was at a fun bake sale, and caught myself complaining about work.” That experience spotlighted how she was bringing that negative focus even into the areas of her life that were actually enjoyable.

She started taking a much more intentional approach. When she found herself telling stories about work, she would ask herself, “Why am I telling it? Am I just reliving past experience and reinforcing what’s wrong? Is this benefiting anyone?”

Grounding and presence

Meditation

Curt helped Molly develop a meditation practice that was instrumental in changing her experience for the better. “It helps me with my reactivity. It helps me connect with meaning and a deeper purpose. It helps me get to a foundational yes to the universe.”

Presence

Another major shift involved feeling more comfortable going with the flow, rather than getting stuck in a rigid set of expectations. “I feel like I let go and then I don’t have to live my life before it happens. I want the day to unfold in front of me, and I want to participate in it, not just follow a script.”

Awareness

Many things contributed to the reduced reactivity Molly experience. One of the major contributors was simple awareness. “Trying to be aware of my feelings rather than my story. Notice the clenching, then work on opening up. Paying attention to the body experience and not getting caught up in the thoughts.”

Her meditation practice created space for that awareness. “If I can get established, a deep centeredness for a time, then I can watch the emotions, the heat rise. I can feel I’m really getting frustrated, I’m getting anxious, I’m getting angry, I’m getting worried. And then to know that I am going to be tempted to speak in a harsh way, a dismissive way.”

Working with Curt

Going into the coaching, one of the things that appealed to Molly was the potential for “borrowed optimism.” Curt really believed she could make positive change, and helped her see things in a positive light.

In his coaching, Curt combined that positive outlook with an authentic, nuts-and-bolts approach.

“Curt has really pulled together some of the specific practices that can get someone unstuck, or upright and moving down the road again.

He’s a superb listener. He has great attention. He remembers everything, and always has some ideas to bring to something. He was able to bring in some perspective on a wide range of situations that I would bring up.

When it was appropriate, he would share something about his own struggles, something that had happened before. I appreciated that he was in his own learning lab as well. He never pretended that he had this all figured out. He’s a person who really says yes to the unfolding. He lives what he teaches.”